The Ladies of OkCupid

3 ladies documenting their time (and yours) on OkCupid
two things you need to know to get it: 1. Robin Williams had *just* died and everyone was crying, 2. I mentioned in my profile that I want a guy who will make out with other hot dudes for my viewing pleasure.

two things you need to know to get it: 1. Robin Williams had *just* died and everyone was crying, 2. I mentioned in my profile that I want a guy who will make out with other hot dudes for my viewing pleasure.

This was this first time he’s ever messaged me.
Him: Black
Me: Pink

This was this first time he’s ever messaged me.

Him: Black

Me: Pink

He sounds like he wants to make a coat out of me…

He sounds like he wants to make a coat out of me…

This is one of the first messages I got on OKC and still one of my favorites, which is why I have kept it all this time. 

This is one of the first messages I got on OKC and still one of my favorites, which is why I have kept it all this time. 

…..wut

…..wut

I meet the nicest guys online.

I meet the nicest guys online.

I am his (murder) fantasy

Guy I’d never spoken to before sent me a block of text that at first glance looked like the usual boring attempt to seem poetic and literate; he’s sent me a little narrative where we’re meeting on a beach, etc. And then at the end it’s about how he’s murdering me. (He inserted my hair color into the piece to make sure it was personalized.)

Here’s the text (can’t take a screencap because it was longer than my screen):

I began to walk out on the beach and the morning air was still cool and the sand wet with sea mist. The fog rolled then slowly swirled as the day began to finger out streaking slightly through the clouds. I took a deep breath and tried to make out where the wet and dry sand met. I took a few more steps as your shadow darkened the fading mist. The white air slowly wound up your back and blanketed you before the smoky veil disappeared as the ocean breath blew from the horizon. I then saw my first real glimpse of you noticing the sun breaking through and building texture. Kneeling in the sand you were stacking shells with no particular design and your gaze had deeper context. I moved a bit closer then paused as I discerned you being lost in a moment far away from the natural ebb of things. Totally unaware of my presence and seemingly oblivious to the rising tide I sensed you seeking an answer to a very old question. You stood up and gazed toward the lifting fog. I nestled down in the sand in front of a seaward sloping dune still obscured from your awareness I caught myself, in that surreal moment, closing my eyes and tasting your salt brushed lips. I was mildly stunned by the still damp sand as my jeans sponged up the cool dampness then finding my fleshy seat. You steadied yourself against a strong gust of wind whipping your hair strangely horizontal and in a huff blonde locks floated softly, almost in slow motion, downward brushing as you turned and slowly headed my way. I looked down to gather myself while trying to make sense of the draw, the connection slowly centering in my chest. Your sun kissed face, being in full view as I stood, remained constant despite my strides to intercept. I slowed to match your gate, our paths to now cross, all shadows gave way to freckled light. My mouth opened and I steadied my breath. As I moved into your inevitable path the clouds blocked out the sun…my heartbeat slowed as our eyes met. We smiled at each other slightly as you approached. You had the same look I had seen many times. The warm mist sprayed my left cheek and caused me to squint. That look of disbelief as you saw your blood drip off my chin. Then your reality came into focus suddenly as gurgles sprayed out of you throat instead of your scream. My motion was quicker this time. I locked your eyes before moving the blade upward. This made your drift from peaceful intrigue to full blown panic slower…deliberate. Slow motion range of emotion. I caught you as you fell tasting the cooper now. Then you just went away. You were the best so far. Not perfect but by far closest to my vision. The missing piece is right there. I am close now.

I say on my profile that I prefer (not exclusively want) to date tall guys and this guy is clearly pissed off by that.

I say on my profile that I prefer (not exclusively want) to date tall guys and this guy is clearly pissed off by that.

I don’t know if I’m more upset that this is one of the “best messages I’ve ever received” or that my profile is getting more action than I am. 

I don’t know if I’m more upset that this is one of the “best messages I’ve ever received” or that my profile is getting more action than I am. 

After getting one too many of these,  I’ve come up with this retort.

After getting one too many of these,  I’ve come up with this retort.